At some point in my early childhood, I learned to stuff away the things that brought pain or made me feel ashamed or dirty-like being sexually abused when I was five by my babysitter's son.
I remember looking around and seeing all of the women and desperately desiring the healing they were receiving but I felt so cold and numb. I heard Debbi ask for that one woman to come forward, but I couldn’t seem to move.
No one else came forward.
That night in my hotel room, I sat on the bed with my friend and I cried. I was so sure the Lord was speaking to me, but couldn’t figure out what I needed to be healed from. The next morning I woke up and knew without a doubt that the Lord wanted me to talk to Debbi. I made excuse after excuse throughout the morning not to talk with her. I even told God that if she sat at the table next to me, then I would talk with her.
Debbi did sit down at the table next to me. She began talking with the ladies she was sitting with, so I told myself that it would be rude to interrupt. I left the dining area quickly with my friend and we sat down outside. A few minutes later Debbi also exited the dining area, sat down beside us, put her hand on my knee, looked right in my eyes, and said to me, “So, sweetie, what’s your God story?”
I have to laugh at how persistent God is with me even in my rebellion. What great love He has for us. He called out to me; I ran from Him. But He spoke to Debbi, and she thankfully was obedient. Over the next hour or so, Debbi listened to me and asked several key questions that ultimately helped open my eyes to the root of all the anger, bitterness, hurt, shame, and guilt I had carried for so long.
Debbi walked with me and listened as I unraveled the story of my past, shared the pain I had always carried inside, and ultimately witnessed God reveal to me the road to healing and freedom. As we sat in the rainforest of Costa Rica, the Lord used her to finally bring to light the secret I had kept since I was five years old of being sexually abused.
I had worked so hard to keep it buried I had forgotten it. Yet, it had affected every aspect of my life and had grown roots of bitterness that had hardened, poisoned, and defiled my heart as well as those around me. That day, the thick, cold walls around my heart came tumbling down and I felt really, truly free for the first time in my life. I had never told anyone this secret, not even my husband.
I felt free and terribly afraid at the same time. Debbi told me that in order to remain free, I would need to bring this to light. I would need to share this with my husband first and then those closest to me. I told her there was no way I could do that. She said that it was my choice and that the choice was one of life or death: To keep it in the dark would give Satan control over me and keep me in bondage. To bring it to light by sharing it with those who loved me would bring Jesus glory and bring healing to my life that I had never imagined.
So I began to share with those closest to me, and then I shared for the first time publicly at the second ladies retreat. What happened next was absolutely a work of the Holy Spirit, as several other ladies began to share about abuse in their own pasts. God worked through those ladies that night, including me; He poured out His Spirit and there was much healing.
A few months after that, my friend, a pastor’s wife, asked me to lead the Healed and Set Free Bible Study with the ladies who were on that retreat. The Lord worked mightily in us. Many found freedom and healing from lifelong hurts and wounds.
I was able to reconnect with Debbi in San Diego on a visit there a few months after finishing the Healed and Set Free Bible Study. She is a tremendous blessing to me and I am so thankful that God brought her into my life. He used her in a mighty way. I am a different woman today because of the work of the Holy Spirit in me.